Restless and Worn out

Something about Mary Pratt's work moves me.
How does fruit in a bowl do that? Her use of light and color is hopeful. I like it.

I am feeling a little worn through these last weeks. I wasn't expecting my term to feel so full, I need to rest but there doesn't seem to be much time. And than I think, my life is so free, I have no dependents, I only have to care for myself, it shouldn't feel this hard. AND yet, when you tamper with your foundation, which all this counseling mumbo jumbo seems to do, I think the instability can feel very wearing. I've been told it is impossible to stay at this intensity forever, I hope that is true.

So, Mary Pratt- hope in a bowl.

Much peace out to the big wide world-

vw

Community

It has been awhile.
My Christmas break came and went in an alarming fashion. I am now back in Seattle where it has begun to rain again and I'm looking for ways to procrastinate from writing this term's first paper. So here I blog.

Life remains full. I'm not sure if life will ever stop feeling full ever again. It seems that the more I become aware of who I am the more choices I need to make to be present to this life.

I'm in this very interesting class at school right now called Essential Community. It is a class that only MHGS could do. It's incredibly aggravating, challenging, and good. Sigh. But I realized something yesterday, in this class, and it is this:
Community will never move toward you- it is up to you to move toward community. I think we so often look at how we don't fit into places, get frustrated when we are overlooked or not included. We also gravitate to communities where we feel like we fit. I now think that community requires real presence- if I want more authentic community than it needs to begin with me. It also means choosing to hear from those for whom I am different.

Ahh, but bitching about my community frustrations is far easier, and at times much more fun... who needs peace, love, joy, blah blah blah...

On a more personal front, I am missing my dear friends Josh and Raya deeply. My grief kicks up in surprising places and I am amazed at this process of loss. I think being in a relationship has made me miss them more. They were two of my fans- I miss their support, their advice, their encouragement and their senses of humor. I am sad that they are missing out on life. Though I am sure they are loving where they are, so I guess I am sad that they are missing out on my life. I have so much to tell them.

Alright then- better get to the ol' paper thing.
vw

Image: Mary Pratt

Journal

I was looking through my journal today and was surprised by a few entries. My head has been in a different space as of late and it is always interesting to look back over the thoughts of this past year. It's been a bit of a year. One of the fun parts of this year has been the chance to sit back (literally in the back) and re-listen to one of my favorite courses from last year. It's been amazing to just glean for pleasure. It's also amazing to watch this professor, Roy, teach through dialogue. You know the man is gifted when he is able to engage a class of over 100 in a reciprocal way- it is inspiring. Here are a few of my favorite paraphrased bits:

*We want to connect ourselves with sin so we don't have to deal with our light.

* If I receive grace I need to offer grace. How do I come into conversation instead of opposition?

*We hold onto sin in order to remain in control- so that we can attempt to save ourselves.

Another interesting quote I re-read is from the formidable Rohr ( I know, no surprise), from the book he wrote on Job and Suffering. Richard writes:

"The one answer that seems to be clear in this book (Job) is that our distance from God is somehow also the distance we keep from our pain".

I think it is far easier for us to sit in shit than it is for us to see how beautiful we were and are created to be. And somehow knowing this beauty begins by walking towards our pain instead of running from it...

Not new thoughts but still interesting ones to revisit.

The painting, Rothko.

Fall

It's a been a beautiful weekend in Seattle- I am currently sitting in a coffee shop attempting to do the work I did not do during reading week. I sort of got distracted. But I also needed rest. And those are the excuses I'm sticking too. The sun is coming through the window and warming the table where I am sitting. I love the sun- and I'm happy to absorb some rays while I can.

I also read for pleasure this week- Eat, Pray, Love- I liked. It made me want to travel to Rome and gain 30 pounds. It also reminded me of the importance of finding oneself. It often feels like a selfish task when one attempts to really know who they are and yet if we do not take the time to find our "true selves" I think we waste life- or seek out drama to keep life interesting.
How do we stretch into who we need to be, and how do we get there? These are the questions that follow me around lately.

Hope

Tea for me

I am sitting in a new favorite place- Remedy Tea on 15th Avenue in Capitol Hill. It's incredible for a variety of reasons but the best reason being they let me light a candle under my tea pot. I like this place, my tea stays hot. I am also ADDICTED to tea number 12 "Hawaiian Blue", it tastes like coconut, it is lovely. It is also a white tea which means I am getting many healthy things that fight cancer and such. Gotta fight the cancer and such whenever you can.

In other news I am writing my paper on attachment. There is nothing like exploring how you attach or don't attach well in relationships. Is there anyone out there who has had a completely secure attachment to their parents? Is it a possibility? I am pretty much convinced that parenting is doomed from the get go- it is set up for failure so people like me will be employed as therapists... and so that people in general will be forced to understand who they are. I must say though, I think my base was rather secure overall- and for that I am thankful. Heaven knows therapy costs enough already.

Finally I am re-realizing many things lately- it feels like a bit of a crash course in connecting to myself again.

Finally part deux. There is a guy in this tea shop that looks like Data from Startrek- maybe a little more stylish, but still very Data. That is all.

Bon weekend.

Ahh The Innocence

Do you ever have it when a band becomes the soundtrack for your life for awhile? Where the mood and the lyrics all culminate to make the perfect life accompaniment. My Ipod currently finds me stuck on The Innocence Mission- before these last weeks I found her voice a little hard to get into- but now, I'm in love.

The coming of fall has been more of a metaphor than I was expecting this year. I find myself and those around me in many different stages of letting go- and much of the letting go feels like an active and painful choice. I can't help but think of another great band, Over the Rhine, she sings:

"'l awake to find your love
falling like leaves to the ground
I'll awake to find your love
falling like leaves
you will look to find me down
upon my knees without a sound
you will look to find me down
upon my knees".

So somehow this falling is also loving?
Who signs up for this?!

And now The Innocence Mission:

This barren July
We both wake up so dry
That no more tears can leave us.
And all we've found
Are roads we can't go down,
Eyes on a day we can't see.
I hope it comes.
I hope that water comes
And drenches us in our clothes.
The world at night
Has seen the greatest light.
Too much light to deny.

You never know,
You never really know.
And you can't have people figured out.
One friend came in
Out of nowhere, with lit
Sparklers in both her hands for me,
And saved the day
When I had run away
To envy and black feelings.
And the world at night
Could see the greatest light.
Too much light to deny.

And the image, Rembrandt.