Where your church at?

So I'm trying a new church tomorrow. I feel like if I type it here- maybe it will come true.
Church and I have not been friends lately- I can't explain it except the last time I was in church was the most empty I have ever felt. Dramatic? Perhaps- but when you're in a struggle hold with God, praise songs fall flat. I also don't really care for sermons, or preachers these days. I am becoming a bigger fan of dialogue, reciprocity and mutuality, which doesn't usually happen from a pulpit. I do however love community... so I think that is why I'm going to get up and go tomorrow.
But maybe it is also because I love God and he loves me, even though I get angry with Him and this world I don't understand. I sort of envision him patting me on the head. A sort of consoling pat as if to say- "move along Sara, it's okay". I feel like God has a tremendous amount of patience for me and that I actually crack Him up in the holding His head in pain kind of way. I think we are pals. So I will get up and go to church, for nothing else but to spend some time with this patient God of mine who loves me, even when I'm mad. Grace is good.

Happy church.

Umbrella ella eh eh eh (at least that's how we sing it in Canada)

It's been a couple of shit weeks, for a variety of reasons. Nothing monumental just the little things that add up to big things- it's been a hard go at times. Sometimes I think taking risks and being present is for the birds- that said though, I can't seem to see any other way to live. It's all very existential, angsty and all that- why does meaning seem to come from those places?

Anyway, through these last weeks I've been reminded that I have good friends. My good friend La-luje made me this incredible current music mix, because I have no idea what's on the radio these days. I can't help it, I've been sucked into the independent music world that is Seattle, where no, no, no, one knows who Amy Winehouse is. So regardless of my weeks these tunes are keeping me in smiles, Thanks to Julie... Nothing like some music mix love, Lee you'd be so proud.

Much can also be said for my incredible sisters, cousins and friends who, along with Julie, have been keeping me laughing with their wittiness a la facebook, email and phone messages.They be funny and I be blessed. It is the small things that help keep the big things in perspective. I love that God himself is relational and desires for us to not go it alone...

Oh and Seattle, meet Amy- from what I've heard you won't be finding her in rehab, even though she probably needs it. Maybe her daddy should get on that.

Given so much

"Leave me here freely all alone In cell where never sunlight shone should no one ever speak to me. This golden silence makes me free"
(part of a poem written by a prisoner at Dachau concentration camp)

If we were stripped down of all our distractions, all of our dramas would we be able to better know this golden silence? It is humbling to me to read these words. These words also speak of a God who does not leave us- especially in the darkest of places.

Image: Emily Carr.

Images

I think in images lately. This would be incredible if I was an artist who could draw what I see in my head, but the only art I do has very little to do with my head, in fact it seems to be strictly about getting out of my head. One of the reasons why I am thinking in images lately is because I don't have the words to put to all that is going on. Going on in my own life, the world, the lives of friends- there are times when the world seems so small but today my world feels big and the universe immense. There are no categories to slot things into, there is no rythym to track, I feel at life's mercy and it's scary, but good... I think.

So here are a few images, not mine- but good, I think. First, Carr the rest, Klee.

Mother Teresa

I've recently heard that they are going to publish some of Mother Teresa's journals in which she admits to being very disillusioned. Some have seen this as discouraging, but I can't help but find it hopeful. It fits into what I'm learning about faith- that faith is not present without doubt, and that wisdom does come at the cost of innocence. The question that remains is how we live into such truths? I am starting to think the answer comes through community. That like the Trinity, God himself lives in relationship and desires that we too would walk together, living out loud the Trinity we experience. And when God feels far away to let others embrace us when we face the horrors, as well as the beauties of this world.
Seems too easy.