Journal

I was looking through my journal today and was surprised by a few entries. My head has been in a different space as of late and it is always interesting to look back over the thoughts of this past year. It's been a bit of a year. One of the fun parts of this year has been the chance to sit back (literally in the back) and re-listen to one of my favorite courses from last year. It's been amazing to just glean for pleasure. It's also amazing to watch this professor, Roy, teach through dialogue. You know the man is gifted when he is able to engage a class of over 100 in a reciprocal way- it is inspiring. Here are a few of my favorite paraphrased bits:

*We want to connect ourselves with sin so we don't have to deal with our light.

* If I receive grace I need to offer grace. How do I come into conversation instead of opposition?

*We hold onto sin in order to remain in control- so that we can attempt to save ourselves.

Another interesting quote I re-read is from the formidable Rohr ( I know, no surprise), from the book he wrote on Job and Suffering. Richard writes:

"The one answer that seems to be clear in this book (Job) is that our distance from God is somehow also the distance we keep from our pain".

I think it is far easier for us to sit in shit than it is for us to see how beautiful we were and are created to be. And somehow knowing this beauty begins by walking towards our pain instead of running from it...

Not new thoughts but still interesting ones to revisit.

The painting, Rothko.

Fall

It's a been a beautiful weekend in Seattle- I am currently sitting in a coffee shop attempting to do the work I did not do during reading week. I sort of got distracted. But I also needed rest. And those are the excuses I'm sticking too. The sun is coming through the window and warming the table where I am sitting. I love the sun- and I'm happy to absorb some rays while I can.

I also read for pleasure this week- Eat, Pray, Love- I liked. It made me want to travel to Rome and gain 30 pounds. It also reminded me of the importance of finding oneself. It often feels like a selfish task when one attempts to really know who they are and yet if we do not take the time to find our "true selves" I think we waste life- or seek out drama to keep life interesting.
How do we stretch into who we need to be, and how do we get there? These are the questions that follow me around lately.

Hope

Tea for me

I am sitting in a new favorite place- Remedy Tea on 15th Avenue in Capitol Hill. It's incredible for a variety of reasons but the best reason being they let me light a candle under my tea pot. I like this place, my tea stays hot. I am also ADDICTED to tea number 12 "Hawaiian Blue", it tastes like coconut, it is lovely. It is also a white tea which means I am getting many healthy things that fight cancer and such. Gotta fight the cancer and such whenever you can.

In other news I am writing my paper on attachment. There is nothing like exploring how you attach or don't attach well in relationships. Is there anyone out there who has had a completely secure attachment to their parents? Is it a possibility? I am pretty much convinced that parenting is doomed from the get go- it is set up for failure so people like me will be employed as therapists... and so that people in general will be forced to understand who they are. I must say though, I think my base was rather secure overall- and for that I am thankful. Heaven knows therapy costs enough already.

Finally I am re-realizing many things lately- it feels like a bit of a crash course in connecting to myself again.

Finally part deux. There is a guy in this tea shop that looks like Data from Startrek- maybe a little more stylish, but still very Data. That is all.

Bon weekend.

Ahh The Innocence

Do you ever have it when a band becomes the soundtrack for your life for awhile? Where the mood and the lyrics all culminate to make the perfect life accompaniment. My Ipod currently finds me stuck on The Innocence Mission- before these last weeks I found her voice a little hard to get into- but now, I'm in love.

The coming of fall has been more of a metaphor than I was expecting this year. I find myself and those around me in many different stages of letting go- and much of the letting go feels like an active and painful choice. I can't help but think of another great band, Over the Rhine, she sings:

"'l awake to find your love
falling like leaves to the ground
I'll awake to find your love
falling like leaves
you will look to find me down
upon my knees without a sound
you will look to find me down
upon my knees".

So somehow this falling is also loving?
Who signs up for this?!

And now The Innocence Mission:

This barren July
We both wake up so dry
That no more tears can leave us.
And all we've found
Are roads we can't go down,
Eyes on a day we can't see.
I hope it comes.
I hope that water comes
And drenches us in our clothes.
The world at night
Has seen the greatest light.
Too much light to deny.

You never know,
You never really know.
And you can't have people figured out.
One friend came in
Out of nowhere, with lit
Sparklers in both her hands for me,
And saved the day
When I had run away
To envy and black feelings.
And the world at night
Could see the greatest light.
Too much light to deny.

And the image, Rembrandt.

Let's turn tail and run.. it's fun!

"Fear escalates in times of discomfort, no matter how remarkable or ordinary. We retreat from love, shrink from creativity, hide from loss. But how do we prevent our fear from sucking us deeper into dogmatism, depression and hatred, or their relatives, superiority, laziness and numbness. The answer is to find a response that balances our emotions through relating to what scares us, not through turning away from it."

-This quote from someone, that I stole from a blog I enjoy: http://traceyj.com/now/

The painting, Lawren Harris.

Where your church at?

So I'm trying a new church tomorrow. I feel like if I type it here- maybe it will come true.
Church and I have not been friends lately- I can't explain it except the last time I was in church was the most empty I have ever felt. Dramatic? Perhaps- but when you're in a struggle hold with God, praise songs fall flat. I also don't really care for sermons, or preachers these days. I am becoming a bigger fan of dialogue, reciprocity and mutuality, which doesn't usually happen from a pulpit. I do however love community... so I think that is why I'm going to get up and go tomorrow.
But maybe it is also because I love God and he loves me, even though I get angry with Him and this world I don't understand. I sort of envision him patting me on the head. A sort of consoling pat as if to say- "move along Sara, it's okay". I feel like God has a tremendous amount of patience for me and that I actually crack Him up in the holding His head in pain kind of way. I think we are pals. So I will get up and go to church, for nothing else but to spend some time with this patient God of mine who loves me, even when I'm mad. Grace is good.

Happy church.

Umbrella ella eh eh eh (at least that's how we sing it in Canada)

It's been a couple of shit weeks, for a variety of reasons. Nothing monumental just the little things that add up to big things- it's been a hard go at times. Sometimes I think taking risks and being present is for the birds- that said though, I can't seem to see any other way to live. It's all very existential, angsty and all that- why does meaning seem to come from those places?

Anyway, through these last weeks I've been reminded that I have good friends. My good friend La-luje made me this incredible current music mix, because I have no idea what's on the radio these days. I can't help it, I've been sucked into the independent music world that is Seattle, where no, no, no, one knows who Amy Winehouse is. So regardless of my weeks these tunes are keeping me in smiles, Thanks to Julie... Nothing like some music mix love, Lee you'd be so proud.

Much can also be said for my incredible sisters, cousins and friends who, along with Julie, have been keeping me laughing with their wittiness a la facebook, email and phone messages.They be funny and I be blessed. It is the small things that help keep the big things in perspective. I love that God himself is relational and desires for us to not go it alone...

Oh and Seattle, meet Amy- from what I've heard you won't be finding her in rehab, even though she probably needs it. Maybe her daddy should get on that.

Given so much

"Leave me here freely all alone In cell where never sunlight shone should no one ever speak to me. This golden silence makes me free"
(part of a poem written by a prisoner at Dachau concentration camp)

If we were stripped down of all our distractions, all of our dramas would we be able to better know this golden silence? It is humbling to me to read these words. These words also speak of a God who does not leave us- especially in the darkest of places.

Image: Emily Carr.

Images

I think in images lately. This would be incredible if I was an artist who could draw what I see in my head, but the only art I do has very little to do with my head, in fact it seems to be strictly about getting out of my head. One of the reasons why I am thinking in images lately is because I don't have the words to put to all that is going on. Going on in my own life, the world, the lives of friends- there are times when the world seems so small but today my world feels big and the universe immense. There are no categories to slot things into, there is no rythym to track, I feel at life's mercy and it's scary, but good... I think.

So here are a few images, not mine- but good, I think. First, Carr the rest, Klee.

Mother Teresa

I've recently heard that they are going to publish some of Mother Teresa's journals in which she admits to being very disillusioned. Some have seen this as discouraging, but I can't help but find it hopeful. It fits into what I'm learning about faith- that faith is not present without doubt, and that wisdom does come at the cost of innocence. The question that remains is how we live into such truths? I am starting to think the answer comes through community. That like the Trinity, God himself lives in relationship and desires that we too would walk together, living out loud the Trinity we experience. And when God feels far away to let others embrace us when we face the horrors, as well as the beauties of this world.
Seems too easy.

The Economist

I am in despair again, I did a silly thing, I read the Economist. I get REALLY angry when I read the Economist because it makes me feel like there is no hope for our world. Balanced news reporting will do that for you.

And then I read the quote (at the bottom of this page) on another blog I read, and you should too.From the Arch. I am trying to learn that anger is rarely a good thing- and in many ways it should signal that I need to reconnect to God.


This from Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the painting,Klimt.

"You are the indispensable agent of change. You should not be daunted by the task before you. You contribution can inspire others, embolden others who are timid, to stand up for the truth in the midst of a welter of distortion, propaganda, and deceit; stand up for human rights where these are being violated with impunity; stand up for justice, freedom, and love where they are trampled underfoot by injustice, oppressiom, hatred, and harsh cruelty; stand up for human dignity and decency at times when these are in desperately short supply."

" Just as we are all meant to be contemplatives and to hear the voice of God in our lives, we are all meant to answer God's call to be His partners in transfiguring the world. This calling, this encounter with God, is always to send us into the midst of human suffering."

I cannot get enough of this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cNDSPutas8

Heading home a tad more freckled than usual

Heading home today. It's been a fine two weeks, I feel incredibly blessed to have gotten away and shared some time with good friends. They are dear to me, these people.

I have also been reading a great deal whilst away. I have been dwelling on this idea that we are made good because we are made in the image of God. I grew up in a religion that told me there was nothing good in my humanity and yet as Julia of Norwich writes "my soul is God's dwelling place". I can't imagine a God who would dwell somewhere shabby, well except maybe a stable, okay scratch that. Regardless, as Teresa of Avila describes:
"The soul is like a castle made entirely out of diamond or a very clear crystal, in which there are many rooms, just as in heaven there are many dwelling places... So then, what do you think that the abode will be like where a King so powerful, so wise, so pure, so full of all good things take His delight? I don't find anything comparable to the magnificent beauty of a soul and its marvelous capacity".

Now to de-sand.

I'm sure Freud would have something to say about this...

So I did not leave the continent... who knew?

Not I. Good thing I paid attention in Geography class. I just assumed that if you weren't on the major land masses you weren't on a continent. Islands feel too small to be continental. Not to be confused with the "Continentals" who are a jazzy little performance group in constant need of billets. If you've been a Christian for more than 15 years I'm sure you been asked to spare a room... and your life story on how you became saved.

Now that I am slipping into meanness, I am going to end with this:
I LOVE MY DEAR FRIEND MALKA.

And this:
I love the blue warm ocean- I am putting my feet in it every day until I leave, it feels like the right thing to do.

that is all,
sara

Sand in Uncomfortable places

It's been awhile since I have left the continent and I think it is about time to do so. I am hopeful for both rest and restoration.
And trusting for a bit of soul nurturing in the form of sand, water and dear friends.

Sweet Rich

So I've been listening to a lecture series on CD by the formidable Rohr. It is a lecture series he did (borrowing the term from Psych as well as Merton) on the false self v.s. the true self. I've been chewing on this false/true self concept for awhile now. After this past year of school, I feel like now, more than ever, the importance of knowing our true self. That really knowing who we were created to be could be some of the most important work we can ever do. This concept ofcourse is much easier said than understood... HOWEVER- Richard said something I can't quite shake- it's been following me around for days now and it's this:

"The true self is un-hurtable". In other words whenever we are hurt, or affronted, we can assume our reaction is coming from our false self. Essentially, there is something in the hurt that has to do more with us than it is ever has to do about the person who has "hurt" us. I found this concept both striking and humbling.


Art= Paul Klee

Guilty addiction

So I have this guilty addiction,I read the blog of the happiest family on earth. I cannot help myself, I am drawn to it like a bad accident. It could be my current state of mind, or space, but I honestly can't believe that life can be THAT happy.

They are SO happy: they love each other, they love their friends, they are always quoting Bible verses and helping the elderly. They make me feel quite bitter and jaded... but I just don't think life is easy. They make it look so easy, too easy- do you know what I mean? They home school, the kids do their chores and take cute pictures, the older girls bake ALL the time and the girls don't date... they court and swing dance. Because if I have it right, somehow one courts through swing dancing. This could be another reason for why I date, occasionally.

Seriously, jaded, bitter and possibly jealous. And maybe a small part of me wishes I could go back there.

I read once that wisdom is the death of innocence. I think this is why I go back to this blog...a happy innocent life sounds good some days. And another part of me is waiting for it to fall apart- because somehow that would make more sense to me. Is that horrible or just honest? Can THAT happy be real? I'm seriously baffled...

Oy!

I am struck by many things lately, much of which I have no words for. I rarely have the words I'm looking for, I am jealous of those who say what they want to and say it well. So if I had to try to put words to life right now it would be simple: life is hard. And at the risk of sounding like a Psych student- I think I've been living in a real split. I somehow wanted everything to fit into good and bad categories- and I am finding now that most things, if not all things, have a bit of the good and the bad. Not a major revelation really... but when all you thought was good suddenly looks bad the world gets dark quickly. And a dark world sucks... I like the good bits much better.

One good example of this would be the incredible institution I am currently attending. I really want it to be all good- but the reality is that it has its ugly parts too. Sometimes education can be the greatest ally and also our greatest enemy. I think the more you know the harder it can become to listen. The harder it can be to let go of answers. I am really longing for a third way- but I don't know how to live there yet.

I need more hope. Painting by Emily Carr is where I find some-
p e a c e